For Wednesday:
Exploding Head Syndrome
Was that you?
Who banged that drum and broke that vase and fired that gun?
Has it been you all along,
Trying to reach me through my dreams
Only to accidentally wake me up?
My roommates don’t believe me when I tell them what you’ve done.
He’s throwing the furniture around in my mind, I explain.
He’s shooting my thoughts down,
Even now.
They don’t understand my fury
When I scream, they think it’s at myself.
But it’s not me I’m screaming at –
It’s that you that has taken over inside.
What are you trying to say –
I’m sorry, forgive me,
Or are you taunting me for kicks?
For kicks and shots and shrieks and any way you can make noise?
But you know,
You could be silent and I’d still wake up screaming.
Dear You
Confident Intellect,
I’ve felt the fangs of a lion crawl along my torso
Watched in slow-motion as the beast extended its paw to tear me apart –
And I survived.
The presence of the deadly animal gave me the strength of a rush and the importance of a wit
but all your mere sub-six foot, non-threatening presence gives me
is a clouded mind, a nervous tick
Dear you
Ex-Lover,
Do you know what it’s like to live in a volcano like I have,
to feel the molten lava mold your skin and bones,
but refuse to steal your life?
Or to survive in a vent
Night after night- for there was no Day,
To live among the stink bugs and the ants,
who made a home of my scalp?
But I’d fight a lion again,
if it would just give me the confidence
To shoot you down.
And I’d take any of my previous domains
Over your shadow.
You have a lot of nice rhythms that bring your poem to life. My favorite line is “Who banged that drum and broke that vase and fired that gun,” because it really drive the reader into the poem and get a sense of the immediacy and panic of Exploding Head Syndrome. I would suggest line breaks in order to emphasize the noise the person experiences. In addition to diction such as alliteration and assonance to parallel the bangs, clash of cymbals, and bombs exploding that people with the syndrome usually experience.
ReplyDeleteExploding Head Syndrome:
ReplyDeleteI love how this poem captures both the syndrome and the possibility that something else is going on. She could be hallucinating or haunted, but either way she seems to be in danger. "They don’t understand my fury / When I scream" makes the character sympathetic. The last line brings this danger inside the character's body and plays off the "I'm sorry, forgive me" in a fascinating way. This poem definitely captured my attention and made me care about it.
I loved this poem Claire! I think that you are able to capture an inner struggle well throughout the poem through your use of questions and descriptive word choices. I think that you can leave the "but you know" line out because it is not really serving a purpose here. I also agree with Taylor that line breaks would help your poem. My favorite line is, "He's throwing the furniture around in my mind," because you play on the syndrome and the commonality of moving and throwing furniture.
ReplyDeleteKiller ending—I love how it shows that the problem is inside you, whereas before it seems you were talking to an outside figure.
ReplyDeleteI think I need more along the lines of “he’s shooting my thoughts down”, because I love the
“He’s throwing the furniture around in my mind” because it is so different and concrete,
I want more of that throughout the poem.
There are so many questions that I think I would like if you tried to use only questions—or a t least, I really like the questions you have.