Poem 2: To Cure a Headache
Take the hair
of your closest neighbor
Without them
knowing
Creeping and
sulking in the background until silence returns
Put it in the
dog’s bowl
Mix it with
the spoon she left
From that day
at the park
The picnic
with laughter and ants
Receiving the
clock he made
Knock on the
counter four times
Count
backwards from eleven
Line up the
edges and the corners
Jump and
scream when it doesn’t work
Line up the
edges and the corners again
Yell and smack
at your failure
Take the clock
back in the picnic blanket
To the spot on
the hill where she first used the spoon
Leave a trail
of the hair you cut
From the bowl
he calls his own
Cut your own
hair
Buy your own
dog bowl
Take a new
blanket and spoon and clock
And suddenly
night becomes day
The ache
becomes numb again
Start over as
needed
I am glad that you added a lot more imagery to concrete your poem, I felt like this version mimics a "spell." I liked your line "The picnic with laughter and ants
ReplyDeleteReceiving the clock he made."
This revision makes it feel more like a recipe and expands on the images more. Think about punctuation, it might help.
ReplyDeleteComments I received:
ReplyDelete-ADD PUNCTUATION- so the reader reads it the way you want it.
-Put a period after the last line
-A period after each step
-Mix it ****using *** the spoon she left
-Yell and smack at your failure doesn't read- you could have that idea and present it differently
-Explain the edges and corners that you are lining up
punctuation would control the readers pace, separate the steps.
ReplyDeleteLove the beginning image, mixing hair in a dog bowl, how weird.
What are the edges and corners that you are lining up?
Like buy your dog a new bowl
I really like this poem. I particularly enjoy these types of poems but I believe it is hard to execute in the manner you have done! I think maybe writing it out like a checklist would be very different. Just a suggestion...
ReplyDelete