The World That Lies
Within Myself
This is the poem the girl can’t muster
How could she, when she’s too busy heaving
Every half-thought through a flustered stutter
While the woman breaks in, writing, weaving
Original wisdom, calm as she bands
Real feeling, confident at any feat –
Like a mother, she holds the small girl’s hand
(Delicate, compared to her calloused meat)
Teaching her to speak with a woman’s tongue
Helping her understand the hers she’s got
And with the help of herself (the old one)
The little girl learns that her thoughts are not
Little, nor can they be her thoughts alone
Instead, her writing proves she’s not just one
Every word takes on a life of its own
So we share this space and seek to become.
Within everyone you know, there are, too
Infinite potential homes on the block
The more neighbors the more often a spew
Hold town meetings: Visit every door. Knock.
Imagine: that dream pixie girl next door
Not into you, but into your friend – tell
Me, is it the old man you so adore?
You don’t know the others – inside they dwell.
She and I are asking you to listen:
Everyone aches for a false clean system
Life in the mind, as on earth, contradicts
Find your sanity – learn to coexist.
I like this coming of age poem. I feel like you could tighten up some of your stanza with different word choices in order for it to flow better.
ReplyDeleteI thought that you did a great job working with the acrostic and rhyme scheme. You lost me a little bit at the end, but I thought that you brought me back in with the meaning of the acrostic and the last line. I found it confusing that you didn't break the lines up with the words. It made it a little difficult to understand that there is an acrostic and then to determine what the acrostic is. You had a lot of great imagery here, like the girl next door also being an old man.
ReplyDeleteIf your title was not the same as your acrostic, you could make them play off of each other, which could be a lot of fun. Your stanzas are not broken up word by word of your acrostic, which makes it more difficult to see it if you aren't specifically looking for it.
ReplyDeleteI really like the poem especially the flow and voice of it. It is really interesting how you have the stanzas broken up and that your title is the same as your message on the side. The stanza with the girl next door is very humorous as well.
ReplyDeleteWho is the second half of the poem directed at and who is speaking?
ReplyDeleteIs the mother telling the little girl still?
If not, maybe bring in the little girl in the end of the poem and clarify switching voices
Try having a different title that plays off of the acrostic.
This is a very interesting poem with a theme different from most of the poems I have read thus far. I think taking the parenthesis out will create a nice paradox between thought provoking text and text that contributes to the flow of the poem.
ReplyDelete