The last 9 months
What time is it?
The time for the sparkly head to stop banging on the wall
High school is ending, and the friends will leave as quickly as they came
A feeling of uncontrollable, overpowering laughter
Summer in New York City
Slowly bejeweling the leg
Banana pudding and cookies at the Joffrey Ballet
That feeling of confusion and stress before a breakdown begins
College will start
The fear will set in, as transitions are not the same as eating deep dish pizza
What time is it?
Time to move into a new phase
Time to move into a new phrase
A minimal feeling of controlled, internal laughter
What time is it?
Time for things to change and get better
Friends arrive and classes commence
Everything is easier and the feeling of teary eyes and almost sneezing is erased
Monica, I'm sorry not to have managed the time better today to ensure that we got to your poem. This appears to be the same version I commented on a couple of weeks ago, so it will be interesting (I hope) for you to see how others' responses differ from mine. One further suggestion I was thinking of this morning: the words that signal the specific context here may be a little flat: high school, college, classes. I wonder if there's a way to make those terms more broadly evocative so that a reader can't minimize the poem to be "just" about going to college. For example, what if you replaced "classes" with "lessons"? And let me reiterate that I really like the movement among the repetitions of "what time is it" and the Tao-Lin-esque nuanced emotional states.
ReplyDeleteComments I received:
ReplyDelete-Add more to seem like on flowing thing
-Bring food back into it later
-Maybe punctuation. It would help in knowing how to read it
-Feel you have potential for a lot of alliteration there
-Liked subtle rhymes during the lines, but could make them at the end to be more obvious
-You could use line breaks to your advantage: where college will start and fear will set in. After laughter before what time is it. This will also help emphasize the 9 months
Line breaks because it is supposed to be 9 months, maybe it will help elongate the time.
ReplyDeleteIt would be cool to incorporate more images that directly relate to the feelings you express, like confusion.
I really like the subtle rhyme within the poem. The idea that you are writing about is also interesting because we are nearing summer break now. If you want to push yourself and provide more imagery that would be even more powerful. My favorite part is when you say
ReplyDeleteTime to move into a new phase
Time to move into a new phrase. I thought that was very amazing.
Punctuation might help the reader. Line breaks could be adjusted a bit to emphasize the rhyme and clarify each image. Adding to this to make it longer might connect the images and make it flow better.
ReplyDeleteNice poem Monica. I would put a line break after “College will start / the fear will set in” to echo the break in emotions, in addition to “internal laughter / what time is it?” to mimic the sense of time.
ReplyDeleteI think this poem is very solid. The best part is the first line, when you ask the reader to think. I find these poems to be extremely enjoyable because they evoke a sense of self-actualization in a poem.
ReplyDeleteI think this poem is very solid. The best part is the first line, when you ask the reader to think. I find these poems to be extremely enjoyable because they evoke a sense of self-actualization in a poem.
ReplyDelete