The mirrors whisper. The four cornered demi-god feeds off the power she surrenders. Decadent murmurs distinguishable only by watering eyes. Salt water stains the glass. Narcissism rusts the frame, and an aroma of social pressures and disappointment begins to pervade, suffocating the vulnerable. Sour breath fogs the glass revealing fingerprints. It reflects her self-consciousness and echos crippling insecurity. It transforms her self-obsession into self-loathing. A daily ritual mutated into a sacrilegious sacrifice.
Black tar pumps throughout her arteries through her veins to the capillaries until they returned to the heart, making her breathing heavily with depression. When she is upset, her flaming hair ignites the cynical undertone of her conversation. Sometimes when she laughs with wholeheartedness, she appears to be on the verge of crying. Recently, she has been walking with the weight of unmet expectations wheezing down her freckled neck, and sits limply as if only being held up by loose strings. I’ve witnessed her overdosing on her introversion until she’s drunk enough to join the creatures of the night.
The last two lines of the poem really embody the idea of "pushing the poem to the corners". It provides great imagery and descriptions to give us a full sense of what was happening.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I loved your poem. My favorite line is the last one. "I’ve witnessed her overdosing on her introversion until she’s drunk enough to join the creatures of the night." It's beautiful and has a magical quality to it.
ReplyDeleteFor critique, I find "self-consciousness" and "crippling insecurity" nearly synonymous, so maybe change one of those descriptions. And, for the line 'breathing heavily with depression,' I would change heavily to heavy. It flows neater. I love how Simic-esque your poem feels.
I love the interesting words you use and the last line--WOW! It leaves me wishing there were more like that earlier and throughout the poem. I would like to see more concrete description and maybe even action in the first stanza. You need concrete to go along with the abstract in order to completely fill out the corners. I also want more after the last line. That is not the end of her night.
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ReplyDeleteYour word choice shined throughout the poem, especially things like "sour breath" and "decadent murmurs." I agree with Hannah in the fact that you can work more with line breaks in order to keep your poem visually intriguing to the audience. I think that you can expand "to the corners" a lot more in the first paragraph. The second paragraph got deep and descriptive, especially the final line when you say "overdosing on her introversion until she's drunk."
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite word pairs is "decadent murmurs" because it feels strange and wonderful in your mouth and also uses the different connotations of each word to strike a contrast.
ReplyDeleteExperimenting with line breaks could add emphasis.
The second paragraph has much more visceral imagery than the first. Pushing the concrete imagery in the first paragraph would make it even more powerful.
I feel poem would benefit from line breaks rather than a paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSecond paragraph is so powerful, would like to see more “power” from the first.
I feel that the last sentence is not entirely necessary, but again completely up to you.
Overall, very intense and interesting poem.