Where
Do We Go From Here?
What have I done to you? To us?
I let you down and lost your trust.
Over some foolishness, a bad day, and a few curse
words
We let go years of joy, tears, sorrow like flying
birds.
The true enemy is not you, me, us
I honestly think it’s behind my lust.
Who really knew pride was this dangerous
It’s like a new virus, simply contagious.
With this here pride,
We don’t ask for forgiveness,
And worse we forgive and not forget.
So here we stand,
Feeling canned.
I failed you,
As your man.
There lies the power of our love.
We’ll stand here forever,
But never walk away.
“I’ve known you for years,
I know what you’re thinking,
C’mon just say it.”
“You’ve known me for years,
You know I can read your mind,
Like a book…You’re in the wrong.”
So here they are,
Both afraid to speak.
Suffering from the same scar,
While their knees get weak.
The sun finally falls,
You know what,
I think I’ll call.
My favorite line is "Suffering from the same scar." I truly love this poem's ending and its hopeful, let's-see-what-happens note.
ReplyDeleteSome lines throughout ring cliche-like, such as reading a mind like a book, flying birds, and forgive and not forget. I think it's amazing how you rhymed your lines throughout. I've always found that difficult to do.
You use mostly abstract concepts. It would be helpful to think about making every concept more concrete by using senses for example because that would make your poem more accessible and relatable to the reader. It is admirable that you use rhyming throughout the poem because that it hard to do that, and it helped me read the poem with a certain flow that I thought was enjoyable. You use certain cliches like, "read your mind like a book." It would be better if you used your own words because that forces the reader to remain engaged in your poem because as it stands, it would be easy for a reader to skip over the lines in which you use familiar phrasing. On another note, I like how conversational this poem is. It makes it really easy to read and understand.
ReplyDeleteImages! I need more images, like the ones you used, "sorrow like flying birds" and "The sun finally falls". Concrete moments will help the reader connect with your poem. This poem is built like we are trying to read your mind, don't you see memories and images when you think? Otherwise it is like we are reading your thoughts, but not really seeing what is happening in your brain. However I do think you also have some potential cliches stirring (like the images I mentioned above), so I think the funnest way you could fix those would be to make them weird. Keep the cliches, but dress them in a funny hat and hot pink bell bottoms. Don't be afraid to be WEIRd.
ReplyDeleteOverall I feel like you can expand on a lot of the vague statements within the poem. I want to be taken to the moment of the fight, I want to know the feel of the clogged air between you too, and I'd like to know more about what led you to this point. I suggested in class that you could to a parallel at the beginning with the end so it is more of a journey.
ReplyDeleteHow did you fail him/her?
What kind of lust?
What kind of power of love???
:)
There are a lot of good things happening in this poem, some ways to make it more meaningful and powerful world be to use less abstractions and turn your cliches upside down. Later on you use some imagery that is awesome, try to work in more physical senses early. When you do want to write about an idea that is cliche, try twisting it into something new and weird. For example, rather than read a mind "like a book," try something unexpected.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem but I feel that you could include more imagery to make the poem even more interesting. I also feel that the first few lines are a bit cliche, so maybe trying to change a few of the words would enhance the poem even further. I really like the rhyme in the second paragraph but be careful about simple rhymes can, man, etc..
ReplyDelete