Hi guys, since I my poem contains equations from Microsoft Editor, it was not compatible with blogger. However, I did send you all an email of the poem I would like you to edit for the peer revision on March 9th. Thanks so much!
The poem was very interesting about a topic I did not know much about. The poem sparked my interest. One thing I like about the poem was the way each time you mentioned "bringing in or adding something" the equation added an addition sign.
In your Cricket Club poem, I would remove any unnecessary adjectives ('dirty' soil, 'extreme' rush of adrenaline). I loved the ending of the poem, though. The idea of cars gazing from a parking lot is a strong, original image. Maybe change some of the more concrete lines throughout to be more abstract like that one. Overall, good job!
I really like the idea of going through the specific steps of a process with the equation. I want some meaning, to show that this matters. I don't mean it has to be gravely emotional or like "finding the REAL Rahul" or anything, but I want to feel like I learned something. I thought it might be cool to describe how to play cricket using variables, it might be more personal. Concrete images with significance.
I enjoyed reading this poem because it seemed personal to you and the math equations match up with the opening descriptions. One thing I might suggest is to tighten up some of your diction. For example "But I had to get high school students involved" to "Getting high school student involved."
My favorite part of your poem was the final line because it used imagery well. I found some of your lines like "mixed with the dirty soil" to be almost too descriptive because soil is dirty by nature, therefore it was almost repetitive to write that. I think you could use a word other than gazed in the line that says, "while middle schoolers gazed" because the use of the word in that line takes away from the use of the word, gaze, in the final line.
The evolution of your equation was much more mathematically pleasing than 26 Points, the increasing complexity matched each line. You have a mix of concrete and abstract language, and I love how you used the different types of variables to further illustrate this. Some of the lines could be pushed further into imagery rather than just giving situational updates.
The poem was very interesting about a topic I did not know much about. The poem sparked my interest. One thing I like about the poem was the way each time you mentioned "bringing in or adding something" the equation added an addition sign.
ReplyDeleteIn your Cricket Club poem, I would remove any unnecessary adjectives ('dirty' soil, 'extreme' rush of adrenaline). I loved the ending of the poem, though. The idea of cars gazing from a parking lot is a strong, original image. Maybe change some of the more concrete lines throughout to be more abstract like that one. Overall, good job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of going through the specific steps of a process with the equation. I want some meaning, to show that this matters. I don't mean it has to be gravely emotional or like "finding the REAL Rahul" or anything, but I want to feel like I learned something. I thought it might be cool to describe how to play cricket using variables, it might be more personal. Concrete images with significance.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this poem because it seemed personal to you and the math equations match up with the opening descriptions. One thing I might suggest is to tighten up some of your diction. For example "But I had to get high school students involved" to "Getting high school student involved."
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part of your poem was the final line because it used imagery well. I found some of your lines like "mixed with the dirty soil" to be almost too descriptive because soil is dirty by nature, therefore it was almost repetitive to write that. I think you could use a word other than gazed in the line that says, "while middle schoolers gazed" because the use of the word in that line takes away from the use of the word, gaze, in the final line.
ReplyDeleteThe evolution of your equation was much more mathematically pleasing than 26 Points, the increasing complexity matched each line. You have a mix of concrete and abstract language, and I love how you used the different types of variables to further illustrate this. Some of the lines could be pushed further into imagery rather than just giving situational updates.
ReplyDelete